The day that the 3 Magic Kings came to Massachusetts

As expected, since I had left my shoes under the Christmas tree, the three Magic Kings, Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar came to our home in Massachusetts to visit one of the few idealistic Catalans that still exist. They did a great job in combination with eBay and Barnes and Nobles, maybe because they heard that I paid off my mortgage in December.


This is the list of things I got:

1. A "made in Taiwan" Catalan flag (“la senyera”) that is now proudly hanging from the veranda that overlooks our family room. Unfortunately I will not be able to display it on our national day, since believe it or not, it’s on September 11th.



2. An old “3 QUARTOS” coin from the Principality of Catalonia dated 1811



3. A 1734 original map of Arragonia & Catalonia by Gerardus Mercator, published in the Mercator Atlas Minor 1734 edition; attractively colored with a fine hand, strong impression, in very good condition on clean white paper with minor marginal soiling. Absolutely guaranteed an original antique map.



4. A novel from Patrick O'Brian called THE CATALANS, a dark story of love and betrayal set against the brilliant colors of the Catalan country in southern France, long out of print. According to the publisher it is a powerful successor to Testimonies, Patrick O'Brian's first novel written for adults. It is set in that corner of France that became O'Brian's adopted home, where the long dark wall of the Pyrenees runs headlong to meet the Mediterranean. I am curious to read this novel that situates Catalonia in France, maybe it takes place in northern Catalonia, but I doubt it



5. And finally a history book, out of print, called, guess how? THE CATALANS by Jan Read. “This is not a formal 'history book' account; it touches on the literary and scientific achievements of a Ramon Llull or Arnold of Vilanova, the origins of the Catalan language, the nineteenth-century literary revival of the *Renaixença" and resurgence of nationalism, the emergence of the labour movement in Barcelona and the divisions between parties of the left during the Civil War. Jan Read's graphic and carefully researched book, the only one of its kind in English, will interest any reader who wishes to look beyond the headlines and to understand the situation in Catalonia today."

I hope you also got as many presents as I did.

Happy New year 2007 – Bon Any 2007

Catalonia, a country without “cojones”

In the Spanish speaking countries, the word “cojones” is gross. Surprisingly in the Anglo countries the same word has pretty positive connotations (a bit “macho”, but positive). I have heard the word used in business meetings several times and I seem to be the only one who gets a bit shocked with the expression, even though the Catalan version of the word, “collons” (pronounced “koo-ee-ons”), is much softer and can be used without raising eyebrows.
To illustrate that the word “cojones” has no negative connotations among the North American Anglo community, I will mention the ad campaigned that Volkswagen started in USA a few months ago. The billboards describe its new Golf as the “Turbo-Cojones”. The campaign did not last much due to the complaints of people, mostly in Florida, who did understand the real meaning of cojones and did not want to be exposed to a gross ad promoting the “turbo-testicles” and maybe, did not want to see the saga continued with a next round of ads promoting the Jetta “Turbo-polla” (Turbo-dick).

However, for this posting, I want to stick to the Anglo meaning of “cojones” and definitely, at the end of the year 2006, I have to proclaim that Catalonia is a country without cojones.
For hundreds of years the majority of Catalans have believed that even though Spain is a good country with excellent people, it is not our country, it is not the country where we belong. We have allowed that people arriving in our country change our way of life in a way only seen in places where the invader had a much more developed culture (and army) than those invaded. A high percentage of the millions of people who came to our land, Catalonia, seeking prosperity (and many of them got it) have “hispanized Catalonia” instead of adapting to our culture and values.
But the responsibility does not lie on those who came. The responsibility lies on those who call Catalonia their nation. And the reality is that we do not have “cojones”, we always back off because we are afraid of losing what we have achieved so far. We hide our Catalan identity, because we believe that if we display it, Spanish will boycott it and foreigners will not recognize it and we will sell less. We are a country of “botiflers”, a country without “cojones”.
As an example, I am including a picture of two bottles I bought here in USA, both bought at Costco. The single malt bottle of scotch shows proudly on the front of the bottle “The Macallan distilleries Inc, Easter Elchies, Craigellachie, Scotland. Product of Scotland”. On the bottle of Freixenet “cava”, there is no reference to Sant Sadurdi d’Anoia, Barcelona or Catalonia, just a laconic “Product of Spain” on the back label. I told you, a country without “cojones”.

The Montserrat schism

El cisma de Montserrat
The Catholic Church has always been anti-Catalan. The Catholic Church likes empires, likes authoritarian regimes, likes commonality and Catalonia does not offer any of them. Do not think that the aversion to Catalonia by the Catholic Church is something new. It’s a millennium old.
In 1301, Pope Boniface VIII fell ill. His Roman doctors were not able to heal him. Pope Boniface hated Catalans, he had done everything possible to stop their expansion in the Mediterranean and he also denied the rights of the House of Barcelona to the Crown of Sicily. However, as a last resort, they brought the famous Catalan doctor, Arnau de Vilanova, to see the Pope. Arnau had been put in prison upon arrival in Rome some time before.
Arnau was able to relieve Boniface’s suffering. After that, Pope Boniface exclaimed: “at last I have found a Catalan who does good”.
In the XV and XVI century, the situation got even worst. The fact that Catalans did not support the implementation of the Inquisition was the main reason for that. They even assassinated some of the Castilian lead Inquisitors who were sent to the kingdom of Aragon to implement the Spanish Inquisition. In my opinion that’s the main reason why Catalans were forbidden by Isabel Queen of Castile to go to America till the end of the XVIII century.
Recently, we have seen similar moves by the Catholic church establishment to weaken the Catalan identity. A few years ago, the Vatican determined that the Western Strip (La Franja), the Catalan speaking counties located in the Aragon region would not longer belong to the Lleida archdiocese (Catalonia), but it would become part of the Aragonian archdiocese of Barbastro. La Franja had been part of the Lleida archdiocese for more than one thousand years. The motivation behind the decision was to reduce the influence of Catalonia on this Aragonian region with more of 90% Catalan native speakers (the highest percentage of Catalan native speakers in any region in the world).
The last straw has been the approval last week by the Spanish archbishop conference of a documents declaring that the unity of Spain is a “moral good”, trying to quell any separatist desire in Catalonia or the Basque country. What does the unity of Spain have to do with religion or morality? Why don’t the Spanish bishops spend their time doing the real moral good, as for instance, helping the poor, putting in prison the pedophilic priests or giving support to the use of condoms to curve the growth of AIDS?
I am a catholic, I always went to catholic school and I like Jesus and his teachings, but I really cannot stand the Roman Catholic apparatus. Pope, bishops and archbishops are not a moral good, they are basically a waste. They also proclaimed that the Roman empire and the old Spanish empire were a moral good. Both are long gone. That’s the only thing that gives me hope.
Hopefully one day, pretty soon, the abbot of the Montserrat monastery will secede from the Vatican and declare the Montserrat Schism (“el cisma de Montserrat”), with the basic good teachings of Jesus, but with divorce, non abortive contraception and female priesthood.
I include a videoclip showing the entry of the Franco dictator troops in Barcelona in 1939. My grandfather was by then a P.O.W. My grandmother and my 4 year old father had nothing to eat. The rest of my Catalan relatives were crossing into France, where they have remained since.

Our naked Santa Albert Rivera

The Catalan elections sucked. First of all, how do they dare to announce the results without waiting for my vote which I religiously sent on October 31st by certified mail. Hey guys, I spent 8 bucks and they have the nerve to announce the results without counting MINE. That proves that there was fraud. Remember that Cuidadanos made the 3% threshold by a mere 0.04%. Maybe a couple of votes, mine and Rab’s for instance, can bring it to an insufficient 2.99%.
In a serious note, the only fraud is the clowns we have as politicians. But you are right, we have the politicians that we deserve.
I have to admit that I am surprised by the fact that Ciudadanos made it, even though I have to thank Albert Rivera for having been the reason of more than 1000 hits to my blog last month. On October 7th, several American and Canadian newspapers published an article about Albert Rivera and for two days, when you googled any combination of Albert, Rivera, Catalonia, Barcelona or naked, my site ranked first. Now he has become a popular guy and if you put the word naked, it brings me to the 6th page (otherwise I still make the top 10).
I do not feel too bad about Ciutadans making it to the Parliament. In general, they say the right things (although they think totally differently, but that's politics). My impression is, however, that the vast majority are core Spanish nationalists that cannot deal with Acebes (most probably only his mother can deal with him). As an example, I hardly found any Catalan first names on the ballot of Ciudadanos. I only recall Albert and two Sílvias (and I had to take my magnifying glass to see the two accents ‘ on the first i). I thought they are for bilingualism, therefore I would have expected at least 50-50 Catalan and Spanish first names.

Anyway I want to make use of this opportunity to ask our naked Santa, or even better, king Melcior-Albert-Rivera, the following Xmas presents:

• Trilingual schools (Catalan, Spanish, English)
• A new Spanish passport written in Catalan (in addition to the current 12 languages): Regne d’Espanya - Passaport
• That Catalan has the same rights in the E.U. as Gaelic, Maltese, Danish and any other official language spoken by less than 10 million people.
• That the Spanish Embassies and Consulates have signs (with smaller font if you want) in Catalan (Ambaixada d’Espanya, Consolat d’Espanya).
• That birth certificate form at the consulates has a box to tick if you want the inscription in the Civil Registry to be made according to the Catalan usage
• That all products sold in Catalonia have Catalan labeling and directions for use
• That all electronic products sold in Catalonia have Catalan user interface

Fuck yourself on the right hand side

I have spent the last 8 days in Europe (Stuttgart, Saronno, Barcelona and now Amsterdam). While in Barcelona, I was exposed, once again, to the scatological and sexual connotations of Catalans politics, especially now that we are getting closer to election day.
I have to apologize once again for introducing to you so much dirty stuff, but Catalan politics are dirty. Thanks God, we do not have (yet) any child molester among the political elite, but we have pretty much everything else: politicians that go the Full Monty, actors that shit on the establishment, politicians' wives that refer to their political opponents as sons of a bitch, and so on.
The last addition to the list has been the most recent campaign by the Eco-socialist youths. They intended to promote the vote for the left by discrediting the right. So they started a campaign that included distributing condoms with what they thought was the printed Catalan phrase “Fuck the right”. However, those responsible for the ads had as much bad taste as they have lack of knowledge of the Catalan language (pretty popular among Catalan politicians who deny trilingual education to the kids, but who can hardly speak two Catalan words without making a grammar or vocabulary mistake). Instead of writing “Fuck the right” (Folla’t la dreta), they wrote “Fuck yourself on the right hand side” (Folla’t a la dreta), because independently of the willingness or not of the one who is being forced to the intercourse, ‘fuck someone” both in Catalan and English is a transitive verb and you “fuck the right” and not “to the right”, unless you have an asymmetrical penis.

The campaign has been since withdrawn, not because of its bad taste, but because of the grammatical blunder.

I promise, this is the last dirty post of the series, if the Catalan politicians allow.

Catalan national teams (II)

The soccer game between the Catalan and Basque “national” teams took place last Sunday. It went well, about 60 thousand people attended the match, it was peaceful and everyone pretty much said what he/she wanted to say, a good sign of freedom of expression. The final score 2-2 did not matter at all, especially to me, since I do not like soccer (at least, I thought so).
But it you ask me, are you for the Catalan national teams? The answer is simple: Yes and No.
Yes, for those sports where Catalonia is a world power, where the Spanish national league is a Catalan league with just one or two Spanish teams dancing around. That is the case of roller hockey or grass hockey. In this case, making use of the status of Catalonia as a stateless nation, I think it is justified to have Catalan national teams playing in international competitions, no matter what Madrid thinks.
No, for those sports where Catalonia itself is not willing to abide by the rules. In order to have a national team, the requirement should be (and it is for soccer) that that particular country has its own league. I do not think that Catalans will bite the bullet and organize a Catalan soccer league, where Barcelona FC would play against Ripollet or Cardedeu, thus turning down the lucrative matches like Barcelona vs. Madrid, Seville or Valencia.

As I mentioned in my previous, the commercial - promoting Sunday's game against the Basque region - began airing in Catalonia last week but a Barcelona judge ordered the suspension Thursday. The ad showed children picking teams for a soccer game. One boy, dressed in a red jersey symbolizing the Spanish national team, refuses to let a boy wearing the Catalonian team's shirt play - unless he removes his jersey. The boy takes off his shirt and other children then remove theirs in solidarity. Then the slogan, "a country, a team," then flashes on screen.
A group, calling itself Right to Decide, urged fans to endorse the commercial by removing their shirts when players entered the stadium.
Using a high tech satellite camera, I decided to check whether any fans would follow the group’s request. I was successful enough to take one satellite picture of one of the fans that decided to follow. Since then, I have decided that I may start to like soccer and we should delay the decision on Catalan national teams for a couple of years, as long as the fans continue to show their support in a similar fashion.
What you are unable to see on the picture is what the woman had tattooed on her back:“If I was the size of Albert Rivera’s, I would also cover them with my hands,”

Catalan national teams

Spain has done everything possible to suppress the Catalan and Basque country national teams. This weekend Catalonia is playing an "international" soccer match against the Basque country.
Spain would have no problems to play against Wales, Scotland or even the disputed colony of Gibraltar, but it would never agree to play against Catalonia.

The pro Catalan national team movement, created the enclosed TV ad to support the Catalan team. The ad was banned yesterday by a judge. Judge by yourself.

Mas Inglés

I thought that Artur Mas was simply the typical kind of Catalan traitor (botifler) who had sold his soul to the devil (Zapatero) for personal political gains. This has happened many times throughout the history, that’s why Catalonia has gradually lost language, political rights and identity in the last 600 years.
This year, during the negotiations of the new Statute (Catalan Constitution), we lost a unique opportunity to take control of our future, by managing our taxes, the infrastructural investments, harbors and airports. The only so-called win is that we are a nation in the introduction of the law, but not in the body.
This week Artur Mas has also demonstrated that, in addition of being a “botifler”, he is also a moron. Apparently he also believes (like me) that Catalans need to be trilingual (congratulations!), but his methodology slightly differs from mine.
As you well know, I am a proponent of trilingual education where Catalan and Spanish are used to teach most of the subjects (in a 50/50 approach) and English is introduced pretty early with the objective that kids leave highschool mastering Catalan and Spanish and being very fluent in English.
Artur Mas has a “better” approach. He is proposing tax deductions for those who have a certificate proving that they speak another language. Great idea! Young kids will put a lot of effort to learn a third and forth language at school, because they know that when they grow up, they will get a tax deduction. Do not tell me that this idea is not bright!
You can also imagine the future growth of a black market of language certificates for languages that no one can verify (Tibetan, Upper Sorbian, Urdu, Uripiv, Urum or Ute) that will funnel their revenues to the Catalan political parties and their leaders.
I am already making plans to go back to Catalonia. With all my languages, most probably I will not have to pay any tax, I may even get back the taxes I paid in the 80s.
The true reality is that both the Catalan and the Spanish governments have failed to resolve the education issue in Catalonia and Spain. The OCDE ranked the Spanish education system as one of the worst in the whole organization. The Spanish teachers are the better paid, kids spend the longest hours at school, but the results are the worst with the highest number of drop-outs.
This is an area where the Catalan government could have made a difference, since it has full responsibility in the area of education, but it has not. The entrepreneurship that characterized Catalonia is gradually disappearing, and we are more and more immersed in the sea of Spanish mediocrity. And between a mediocre independent Catalonia or a mediocre Spain (with a mediocre Catalonia as part of it), I would chose the latter. As we say in Catalan, the more we are, the more we will laugh. However if by managing our own future, we can make a quantum leap in our development, starting with a very robust education, elimination of corruption, reviving the entrepreneurship, etc, then we are in business and my nationalistic spirit will arise from the ashes like the phoenix.

I attach some video clips that prove that, contrary to popular belief, Spanish leaders (famous and infamous) have reached a mastery of the English language beyond expectations. They would, at least, qualify for a 20% tax deduction.

The Dictator:


ZP+

Please Catalans, learn English

In my next posting, once again I will try to convince all Catalans about the importance of learning languages, especially English.
Today, I just want to illustrate it with a couple of examples. I will leave the politics for the weekend.

Uploaded by sAdCiTy

Uploaded by Nonoche

The Emperor's New Clothes

I just arrived in Shenyang (China), a city not too far from the North Korean border, but I continue to think of the Catalonia politics.
As some of you know, there is a new party in Catalonia called “Ciudadanos the Cataluña”. It is an anti-nationalistic party that is trying to attract those people from the center left that do not want to play the nationalistic game in Catalonia.
I think that every party has the right to exist. The voters will decide whether or not they become an anecdote (I think they will).
Personally, I do not agree with most of their premises and I do not like their tone in general, f.i. one of their keynote speakers said, with very obscene words, that he could not care less about the Catalan nation (a rough translation to English would be: “the Catalan nation makes my dick sweat”) and I think that they are promoting anti-Catalan sentiments, but let’s wait to the next elections and see what happens.

There are, however, two things they say that I agree with (remember I am a non-orthodox Catalan nationalist):

• A push for bilingual education (I am actually for trilingual)
• And that most of the Catalan politicians are crooks (remember the 3%, the revolutionary tax letters sent by ERC, the corrupt business practices by Duran Lleida, La Caixa writing off the Catalan Socialist Party loans, etc), but, to be frank, the Spanish politicians are not much better. This is not an excuse, it is a regrettable fact.

The presidential campaign will start momentarily and the new party has presented its new ad campaign where its presidential candidate, Albert Rivera, appears totally naked. I think it is a bold move, that ERC or the PSC will not be able to match (can you imagine Carod or Montilla in a similar fashion?).

However I would like to give you a piece of advice, if you meet Albert Rivera, do not shake hands with him, just in case he has the same reaction to the Catalan nation as his keynote speaker.

Finally I will say that no one in Barcelona will be surprised to see a naked person on the billboards. It is quite normal to go naked on the streets of Barcelona, either voluntarily or involuntarily. It has the advantage that no one can pick your pocket, what is a very important premise in Barcelona, otherwise ask the prime minister of Bosnia who was robbed last week on the streets of the Catalan capital (… and he thought the problem was the Serbs!). It is also a good method to avoid suicide bikers.

Valencia, California

I was this week in Valencia, California, a nice little city in the outskirts of L.A. It's all brand new construction, but it has a bright fake-adobe looking downtown with the typical malls and restaurants.

One of the locals told me: 'I think you also have a Valencia in Spain', as though the Mediterranean city stole the name from the Californian town. I told him, "yes, but it has around 2000 years more history than this village'.

Talking about Valencia, the original Valencia, it is sad to see the animosity of a sizeable group of Valencians towards Catalonia due to, in my modest opinion, two reasons:

• The influence of the large group of Spanish nationalists who live in Valencia, mostly around the capital, Castilian speaking and Popular Party (right wing) voters.
• The stupidity of some Catalan politicians who clumsily want to impose the notion of Catalan imperialism to Valencians and citizens of the Balearic islands (and whatever enclave where 2 or more people speak a dialect of the Catalan language). If I were Valencian, I would hate it too!!!

I have to admit that Valencia has produced outstanding achievements:

1. One of the best books in history, Tirant lo Blanc, was written in Valencian (the way Valencians call Catalan) in the 14th century. I will write some more about this book in the future.
2. Valencia got immediately the status of kingdom, while Catalonia always remained as a county or principality.
3. Our brightest king, James I (Jaume I) spent most of his adult life in Valencia and died there.
4. Valencians (as Catalans) were barred from going to America till the 18th century. However, as soon as they went there, they organized an uprising against Spain and declared independence. I am referring to Josep Martí;, who led the Cuban independence. Catalans, however, went another route and made money selling alcohol (Bacardí) and Tobacco (Partagàs).
5. Even the concept of Catalan Countries (Països Catalans) was developed by a Valencian (Joan Fuster).

When driving that evening my rental car, a Mustang convertible, from Valencia CA to Malibu (where I would stay overnight), I was thinking that I really like the idea of a confederate country formed by Catalonia, Valencia and the Balearic Islands. In a previous article, I tried to find a compromise, acceptable by all parties, but, as Habibi pointed out, the compromise was too painful for Catalonia, since Barcelona would lose the status of capital. The warm breeze from the valley caressing my skin while driving, inspired me and I came up with a slight variation that may allow me to strike a deal:

A Clicktalan from Valeària.

I also have Catalan blood (Jo tambe tinc sang catalana)

According to the 19/1996 law that defines the relationship between the Catalan government (Generalitat) and the members of the Catalan community overseas, Catalonia recognizes the "Catalanity" of members of the Catalan community overseas, independently from their current passport. The Catalan nationality (as per today, just wishful thinking) is also applicable to spouses and descendants. If you read the law, you will realize that it is absolutely lousy, but at least, it will allow me to introduce two people that fall in this category.


The first one is Shakira. Years ago, when I found out that her family name was Ripoll (as many of you know, the mother's maiden name is a part of the official name of Spaniards, Portuguese and most of Latinamerican nationals), I got very curious about her ancestry. The enigma was solved when she visited Barcelona last June. There she said in Catalan (jo també tinc sang calalana, I also have Catalan blood), declared that her family name was Ripoll (beautifully pronounced, unlike the Madrilians), a family name that is more Catalan than bread with tomato rubbed over and seasoned with olive oil and salt. And if you do not believe me, check the videoclip by yourself. And please do not boycott her. As Osgood said in "Some like it hot", 'well, nobody is perfect'.
The second person I want to bring to your attention that also falls in this category is Raymond Domenech, the French national soccer team coach. He is the son of Catalans who fled Spain during the Spanish Civil war.
Many in Catalonia rejoiced when the French team defeated the Spanish one in the Germany soccer World championship. Prior to the match, Raymond had declared: "I am not Spanish, I am a Catalan", what is factually correct, since he has, most probably, a French passport.

Personally, I could not care less about soccer. And if asked to choose between France and Spain, I would definitely choose Spain. I would however, gladly accept a Catalan passport, what is, once again,wishful thinking.
Anyway, we, Ripoll, Domenech, Llorens (Shakira, Raymond, Ian) can proudly exclaim, I also have Catalan blood (Jo també tinc sang catalana), even though I have to confess that I do not like tomato.

Clicktalonia

I have always been very critical of the Barcelona airport. It is a cute airport, do not take me wrong, but the head of operations is clearly below standards (see my previous posting OK, OK, Barcelona sucks a little bit). Besides I have always been an advocate of cutting ties with Iberia and transferring the control of the Catalan airports from the central government to the Catalan government.
Recent events like the "wild strike" of AENA (a central government owned company) personnel at the Barcelona airport that left stranded thousands of travelers in the middle of the holiday season the announcement of Iberia saying that it would dramatically reduce the flights in & out of Barcelona and concentrate most of the air traffic in Madrid, further justify my position.

Personally, I would like to see Iberia disappear from our skies. It is a lousy airline in all aspects and the best that could happen to us Catalans is that name of our country does not get polluted by association to such a substandard airline. This can only happen if, among other things, the airport competencies are transferred from Madrid to Barcelona.

But, so far, the reality is very different. Madrid receives more than 50% of the total investment in airtraffic infrastructure, even though, only 22% of the traffic goes through that province and I do not see any signs of this changing.

As a containment measure, Iberia announced that it would create a low cost carrier that would be based in Barcelona and that would most probably be called Cat Air. This move was intended to calm down the Catalan people, who were getting pretty upset with the "jacobinic" company.
I never believed that the low cost company would be named Cat Air, even though everyone knows that the name was created after the attached videoclip and that has reminiscences of CATania, CATalina the Great, CATamaran and CATering. Nevertheless the remote event that someone would associate CAT with CATalonia scared the hell out of the Iberia management.

And reality has proven me right. In the meantime, the new low cost company has been created with the name of ClickAir, thus avoiding any potential boycott, resulting of a very provoking name as CatAir. The company is headquartered in Madrid, although the operations center will be in Barcelona. This means that most of the work will be done in BCN, but the revenue and taxes will go to Madrid.
However I must admit that I do not dislike the ClickAir name. So I have decided that if you can't take Mohammed to the mountain, take the mountain to Mohammed. For that reason, I am proposing to rename our country with the techy name of Clicktalonia (Clictalunya in Catalan). The name has a dual advantage: it can help dissipate some of the prejudices against Catalonia and it puts us in the forefront of the new technologies.
I hope you will support this move.
Ian Llorens, a Clicktalan.

Travel nightmare

I am back to China. I have been traveling intensively during the last two months and I am getting tired of the long lines at the airports. It is really annoying. I know that security comes first, but traveling by plane is getting close to being a nightmare.
I predict that the recent changes in the security procedures (no liquids allowed, no hand luggage permitted in some airports, etc.) will lead to major changes in business traveling.
I forecast that business men and woman will go to the airports totally naked and proceed through a special walk-through X-Ray screening that will explore “real-time” every hidden cavities in their (our) bodies (copies of the X-Rays will be e-mailed to the traveler’s doctor in anticipation of the yearly physical after being processed by an early cancer detection software that would flag suspicions results). As you can imagine, this will create substantial changes to our morality, especially in USA, where being topless on a beach is perceived as depravation (at least in New England).
Airline lounges would be converted into artificial beaches with artificial sun, sand and swimming pools with real waves. For the puritan, blinders will be provided to prevent them from looking to other people.
On the more technical side, every business class and economy plus seat will have a built in computer connected to the world wide web. Since no electronic devices will be allowed on board, all business applications will have to be web browser accessible (so your Lotus Notes should be viewed through a web enabled application) and at the end of the session, you should send the result of your work to yourself, since not even memory sticks will be allowed in the airports.
Personally I miss the times when the family could see you off at the gate, you could arrive at the airport 30 minutes prior to departure and you would still make it and you did not have to take off your jacket, shoes or any other thing before boarding a plane. All this is history.
When I fly back on Saturday, I will try just wearing a thong. Let’s see what happens (and NO, the one on the picture is NOT me either).

Shanghai: city of contrasts

I landed at Shanghai Pudong airport pretty late. I went through immigration and customs very quickly. Especially in the summer, I try to travel always with only carry on luggage.
As soon as I appeared at the arrival hall, the driver waved at me. He has picked me there several times in the last weeks. It was hot and humid. We walked to the carpark and started our drive from Pudong to the city. The strong air conditioning was relaxing and refreshing.
I was staying at the JW Marriott. I arrived in my room and laid down on my bed for a while. I was tired, the flights, the heat, the jet lag, meetings during the day, e-mail and teleconferences in the evening.
I took a shower. Most of the rooms at JW are fantastic. The hotel is pricey (about $400 a night), but it is worth the while. My shower was directly onto the window panel. If you dim the lights, you can see the Pudong skyline while you shower. The steam gave the city a mysterious look. I felt much better.
I put on my jeans and a T-shirt. I looked down from the 47th floor and I saw the contrast of this city of 16 million souls. Ultramodern high rise buildings in the middle of old and run down housing complexes. Many of them will not be there anymore when I come back next time. I saw several white, red and blue spinning signs in one of those complexes. I needed a hair cut and a head massage (gen xi tou).
In a few minutes I was in one of those little shops. It was midnight. The hairdresser, a young guy, looked tired. I explained to him what I wanted. He washed my hair, gave me a head massage and cut my hair. He did a great job. He looked so tired. Maybe he had been working since 9 in the morning. It was past midnight now.
I asked him how much I owed him. He told me RMB 10 (US$ 1.25). I never give tips, because I do not like to alter the market price. This time I broke my rule (I would do that later again) and I gave him RMB 20.
I felt I still needed a body massage. I wandered around. It was a bit risky, because I did not know the area well. I saw another shop with the spinning sign.. In the outside there was a sign with the price list. A one hour massage for RMB 30 (less than US$ 4). I ventured in. It was almost 1am.

Japan: watersports and no money at midnight

My flight from Shanghai to Tokyo was delayed due to weather. I landed in Narita at 11pm. Since I was going to stay in Japan for a day (I actually extended my stay one more day), I decided upon arrival to visit the restroom in order to give you a follow up on my previous posting “Pissing Dutch”.
The first thing you notice is that the restroom experience at Narita airport is a matter of trust. There is no lock in the door. The system detects that there is someone inside and blocks the access to another person. The toilet has all kind of controls and there are water jets in all directions. But attention guys, if you manipulate the controls while standing, make sure that you use eye protection gear. Otherwise you may find a powerful jet of water going directly into your eye and I do not think that this is what the designer was thinking when he developed these gadgets.
I also found something that you single people may find irrelevant, but it is vital if you have little kids. It is a kind of wall mount to hold naughty children. You simple place them there and forget about them for a while. However I was not able to figure out the use of the foldable stretcher inside the restroom and I leave it for your speculation.

When I got to the arrival hall, an airline employee told me that due to the late arrival of the plane, the only possibility to go to the city was to take a free bus to Shinjuku railway station. The ATM machine did not operate after hours, the bank was closed and I did not have a single Japanese yen.
During my one hour ride, I defined my game plan. I saw three possible alternatives:
Take a taxi that would take Amex credit card
Try to find an ATM machine that would accept my cash card and then take a cab
Take a cab to the hotel and change some money at the hotel service desk upon arrival.
Many options, nothing to worry.

However I realized that I had forgotten a basic requirement, a piece of advice that I always give to people traveling to countries that do not use the Roman alphabet. I did not have the name of the hotel written in Japanese characters (neither katagana, nor hiragana, nor kanji). I was supposed to stay at the Meridian Pacific.

When I arrived to the Shinjuku station I saw a long cue of cabs. I went to the first one, I opened the door and I showed my Amex to the driver. He said “hai, hai”. My first problem, payment, was solved.
Then I showed him the hotel name on my itinerary and he shook his head. Then I tried the basic trick to translate foreign words to Japanese. Use the 5 Spanish vowels AEIOU and end the word with a U (pronounced “oo”). So I told him Meridianu Pasifiku. He said Pasiku, Pasiku. I looked close enough to me and I said “hai”. He was not convinced, so he asked me the phone number. I wrote it on a piece of paper, after adapting it to what I thought would be the local form of it. He punched the numbers on the keyboard of his GPS navigator and a 3D building appeared with superimposed characters. Pasiku, Pasiku! He exclaimed. He drove through Ropongi district and shortly after, we arrived at the Meridian Pacific, a.k.a. Pasiku, opposite to Shinagawa station. It was 1 am.

Je parle Québecois

I spent the long Memorial weekend in Québec, half of the time in Montréal and the other half in Québec city. Many things reminded me of Catalonia. Graffiti with independentist slogans painted on some walls, the notorious absence of the Canadian flag even in some public buildings, the seamless mixture of French and English in most public places (similar to the coexistence of Catalan and Spanish in Catalonia).
My perception is that in Montréal more English is spoken than French. When I arrived, I was so excited because I thought I was going to use my French and show off in front of my wife and kids, but the reality is that I mostly used English, since everyone spoke English better than me. The city is a bit disappointing, not much to see and with a waterfront that requires a serious face-lift. I also found prices extremely expensive, not only because we went there without any type of reservations, I always make last minute decisions that I pay dearly, but my impression is that they kind of rip off the tourists.
Québec city is different. I highly recommend to go and visit it. It is the only city in North America (US or Canada) where the colonizers build beautiful permanent structures. The old buildings and alleys are fantastic. You could be in any historical European city. In addition to the wonderful atmosphere, French is spoken throughout, or at least Québecois, the variety of French spoken there that requires quite some additional effort to understand. But I managed. And people were nice to me.
However I started to realize how Americanized my family and I are getting. We missed some of the conveniences that we have in the States, and we even became upset because we did not find any open pharmacy where to buy diapers at midnight. When we finally crossed the border to Vermont and the immigration office told us some nice and funny words, we felt back home.

Pissing Dutch

Dutch are well known for their water related civil engineering and their liking for water sports. This combination has also made Dutch become leaders in male urinal innovation (Japanese lead the female related R&D).
Barcelona mayor Clos, in his civic drive, should visit the Netherlands and learn some of the key elements that make civism and human nature compatible. Some of the solutions are simple and, at the same time, ground breaking. As an example I will give the fly engraved in Schiphol airport urinals. Airport statisticians working in the janitor department report that the amount of spilt urine has gone down by 80% what had as a consequence a reduction in force of 20% of the janitor crew and 30% reduction of the cleaning chemicals used to wipe out such a corrosive substance. Between you and me, it is also fun aiming at the little insect.
But this is not all, partying Dutch males who after drinking an undisclosed amount of beers need to give back to nature what they ingested, can make use of the highly sophisticated portable urinals strategically located near bars and other alcohol serving entities, as you can see in the picture. There have been some sightings of females using this facility, although no documented proof has been provided. For the time being, I consider it a pure rumor.
However I would like to warn mayor Clos not to go on a shopping spree and buy this standard equipment from The Netherlands. With my 5 ft 11", I find it sometimes difficult to use the Dutch urinals who have been designed for the Dutch, who are, in general, 4 to 6 inches taller than the Catalans. So, Mayor Clos, please buy a customized version. Otherwise so much pulling and stretching may result in infertility problems which may reduce, even more, the dwindling birthrate in Catalonia.

Out of modesty, I will not comment on the Japanese innovations for female users of the lavatory facilities. Fake waterfall background music to mask physiological noises and remote controlled joysticks to direct the toilet bowl water jet, are things I have no experience with.

Zom una nazió

Last Sunday I arrived in Barcelona in a surprise visit to my younger sister. It was her birthday and I decided to show up without warning. It took her a few seconds to recognize me, but I made her day. It was worth while flying for 10 hours 5000 miles.
We ate cake, blew the candles and drank an excellent cava, Juvé i Camps.
She treated me for dinner at a “tapas” bar at the Rambla Catalunya called “Ciutat Comtal”. They have excellent “tapas”, but it is a real “guirilandia” in miniature. It was full of foreigners and half guiris like me. “Tapas” are great. I had two plates of Jabugo ham and Andalusian “chocos” (squid) to show my support for the Andalusian national caliphal reality and “Padrón” peppers and Galician “navajas” (razor clams) to show my support for the Galician national Celtic reality and, of course, a heavily boycottable Catalan “cava”.
A few days ago, I had emailed my friends telling them that I would be in BCN for a day and asking them whether they would have some time for lunch. They all replied positively with only one condition. Lunch had to be short, not more than 2 hours (1:30pm to 3:30pm). I arrived a bit late (1:35pm), the place was a bit hard to find. The first one, J, arrived at 2.05pm, the second one, L2, at 2.25pm and the third one, L1, at 2.30pm. We had a good lunch and a good conversation. At 4.30pm, they had to “rush” to work. However, do not get the impression that the did not work his 9 hours or more. For sure they were in the office until 8 or 9pm. Barcelona, what a great place!!!

Once again, I was able to verify personally that all those lies spread by the biased media, (Libertad Digital, some contibutors to Barcelona Reporter, ABC, El Mundo, etc.) have absolutely no foundation. This is my experience of one day as a customer in Barcelona:

Lunch - El Balanci - waitress: Portuguese - I started ordering in Catalan - Waitress replied in Spanish – I switched to Spanish
Dinner – Ciutat Comtal - waiter: Filipino - I started ordering in Catalan - Waiter replied in Spanish – I switched to Spanish
Police Station (for national ID renewal) – policeman: Castilian, probably from Valladolid or Burgos – I asked my question in Catalan – Policeman replied in Spanish – I continued asking in Spanish
Airport security – screener: from South America, probably Peru – She asked me to remove my laptop and belt in Spanish. – I obeyed in Catalan.

As you see, “zom una nazió” .

Catalanity test

This is a simple Catalanity test.
Watch this video of Pau Casals addressing the General Assembly of the United Nations, the day that his hymn of the United Nations was presented.

1. If tears come to your eyes and you get goose pimples on your skin, you are a real Catalan
2. If you get upset, you are a Spanish nationalist who most probably votes for the Popular Party
3. If you feel nothing, you are not a Spaniard
4. And if you are a Spaniard and still feels nothing, you'd better brush up your English
   

Note:
History of the unofficial hymn of the United Nations

One such song, or hymn, was written and performed at the United
Nations on 24 October 1971, on the occasion of the 25th anniversary of the United Nations, by Maestro Pau Casals of "Catalonia". The words were written by poet W.H. Auden of the United Kingdom.
The two, though they had never met, were brought together in this unusual collaboration by then United Nations Secretary-General U Thant. For centuries, poets and musicians have sung in praise of war and celebrated victories in battles. U Thant was intrigued by the fact that there existed no hymn to peace.
Pau Casals was a personal friend of his, and when approached by U Thant, he readily agreed to write the music. As the Secretary-General explained, the song was to be based on the preamble to the Charter of the United Nations. Although it would not be formally adopted as the official anthem of the United Nations, U Thant hoped it would be performed on appropriate occasions.
While Casals greatly liked the ideas contained in the preamble, there was no way he could put music to such a document. The task to write an appropriate poem, based on the theme of peace and ideals enshrined in the preamble, fell on W.H. Auden, then regarded as the greatest living English poet. When a representative of the Secretary-General approached the poet, he immediately agreed to write the poem. In three days’ time, Auden finished writing A hymn to the UN, which was then set to music by Casals.
On 24 October 1971, the Orchestra of the Festival Casals, with the Maestro himself as conductor, presented the hymn in a première performance at UN headquarters.

A Hymn to the UN
Music: Pau Casals Words: W.H. Auden

Eagerly, musician.
Sweep your string,
So we may sing.
Elated, optative,
Our several voices
Interblending,
Playfully contending,
Not interfering
But co-inhering,
For all within
The cincture
of the sound,
Is holy ground
Where all are brothers,
None faceless Others,
et mortals beware
Of words, for
With words we lie,
Can say peace
When we mean war,
Foul thought speak- fair
And promise falsely,
But song is true:
Let music for peace
Be the paradigm,
For peace means to change At
the right time, as the World-
Clock
Goes Tick- and Tock.
So may the story
Of our human city
Presently move
Like music, when
Begotten notes
New notes beget
Making the flowing
Of time a growing
Till what it could be,
At last it is,
Where even sadness
Is a form of gladness,
Where fate is freedom,
Grace and Surprise

This fact sheet was issued by the Public Inquiries Unit,
Department of Public Information, United Nations.
Tel.: 212-963-4475; Fax: 212-963-0071; E-mail: inquiries@un.org
Website: http://www.un.org/geninfo/faq